Happy Holidays and Updates!

Happy Holidays!  Well, this update is a month late…what can I say, life has been busy!  But the month of November brought an exciting update in the world of Auden that is definitely worth sharing.  We had an appointment with the development specialist that he sees every three months who performs an evaluation on his development and skills.  With Auden’s recent speech explosion, I knew it was going to be a good appointment, so I insisted Cody go with me for the first time.  Cody enjoyed going, although he likened it to watching your child take the SATs (nervous for them and wanting them to prove what they are capable of, ha).  As I thought, the specialist was absolutely thrilled with the huge speech difference between his last appointment and this one.  His last appointment was just before he turned 18 months and he only had 3-5 words.  At this appointment, just three months later, Auden had more than 50 words which put him on target with his actual age, an average 21 month old!  Absolutely amazing what three months can do.  Since he is no longer delayed in speech, he is officially caught up in every developmental area.  Some fine motor skills Auden exhibited even tested well above his actual age.  We are still going to go to the specialist for regular check-ups, but hopefully from here on out, we will no longer hear the word “delayed" when it comes to our little guy.  In light of these developments we have decided to cut his speech therapy back to monthly visits (instead of bi-weekly).  We had the choice of stopping therapy all together but we decided it’s probably best to keep him in the Early Intervention program for a little while longer, rather than have to start up services again if there is an issue in the not to distant future.

So what does Auden have to say?  Now at 22 months old he has more than 75 words (speech therapist makes me write them in a notebook, ha), adding new words everyday and he is beginning to say some phrases.   His phrases include: anything with “hi” and “bye” like “hi momma,” and “bye truck,” words in combination with “go,” like “go truck,” he also says “I got you!” when we play chase around the house, and just recently I’ve been getting him to say “yes please” instead of just “yes."  He is also starting to say some names in the last month which is really fun.  Looking at pictures around the house, he now identifies mommy’s dear friends “aimee” and “linsdey” (“insey”), he can say his friends’ names “jack” and “shane,” but most importantly in the last 2 weeks he has learned his own name and loves to run around the house with pictures of himself yelling “Auden”!  Much to our surprise, he has picked up letters really quickly.  I bought the foam bath letters thinking he would just like to stick them to the tub but he rapidly started remembering what I was calling each letter!  He can identify over half the alphabet and can say almost 15 letters.  The cutest things he is saying right now that make us laugh are “cock a doodle do” (sounds like cock-a-do) for a rooster sound, "up-sa-daisies" every time he wants us to pick him up and he says the word “avocado” with the best Spanish accent you’ve ever heard!  The sweetest thing is definitely his made-up song he sings at least once a day that sounds exactly like “I love mamma, I love dada, I love mamma, I love dada, hmm-hmmm-hmmmm.”  He “sings” all the time and will definitely catch us off guard when he all of a sudden belts out the real words instead of just his made up words! 

We had another check-up in the month of November for Auden as well.  This was an appointment with his cardiologist (who we usually just touch base with over the phone to discuss Auden’s current weight so he can then adjust his heart medication accordingly).  We thought it was time for a discussion on how much longer Auden should be on his medication (called Digoxin).  As of now, it’s been 15 months since his last SVT episode (extremely rapid heart beat that typically needs intervention to stop).  So, what does that mean?  There are several options: 1) He has grown out of the condition permanently, 2) He temporarily has grown out of the condition but it may come back during adolescence like it frequently does, or 3) He still very much has the condition but Digoxin is doing a great job of keeping under control.  Of course, we will never know if he has grown out of the condition unless we take him off Digoxin but Cody and I told the doctor we don’t feel comfortable taking him off quite yet.  His cardiologist said it is completely our choice and he sees no problem with keeping him on it for six more months and checking in again with him.  We decided if I was a stay-at-home mom, it would be different and we definitely would take him off the medication because I would be able to check his heart frequently with a stethoscope and be able to identify any issues quickly.  However, with him at daycare 4 days a week, we are just not comfortable taking him off of it yet.  Once he can verbalize that he doesn't feel right, the medication becomes a lot less important...so hopefully as he gets a little older we will feel better about discontinuing the medication.  Worst case scenario, Auden still has the condition and when he is old enough (age 6 or up) he will be able to get the ablation surgery to correct it (fairly minor surgery).  Cody and I partly just want him to get the ablation surgery anyway because it will not be fun just waiting and wondering if it is going to come back in adolescence at any given moment.  However, he would have to have a few more SVT episodes to qualify for the surgery (which obviously we do not wish for).    So, that is that for now.  In the meantime, we will count our blessings that he either 1) has grown out of the condition for now or 2) that his body responds to this medication so well. 

Here are some recent pictures of our little man…

As for adoption news.  Background checks are in, additional reference letters have been written (BIG thanks to my dear friends who wrote them), so now our social worker is in the process of writing our home study specific for China.  Once she gives us a copy, we can file the first form that kicks off the whole process (called the I-800A) which basically asks China to give us their approval to adopt a child from their country.  Two catches though.  It takes 60-90 days after you submit the form for them to grant your approval and it has a hefty application fee.  After discussions with our agency and the Korea program specialist, everyone feels it would be in our best interest to wait to file this form until February because January is traditionally a huge month for referrals (or matches) in the Korea program.  Right now we are number 11 in the line of families waiting to be matched with a baby girl from Korea.  If January does end up being a huge month for matches and we get to number 5 or below on the waiting list, it may make sense to continue on with Korea.  Of course I want to submit this form for China a.s.a.p. in order to have another ball rolling, but unfortunately due to the expensive fee that goes along with it, financially it makes the most sense to delay starting China by one month just in case.  Of course, due to the state of the Korean program now and all the disappointments and extended wait times as of late, I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up for the Korea program.  It is good to know that by the end of January we will have a good indication of whether we should just call it quits all together on the Korea program.  We would appreciate any thoughts and prayers that 2012 brings us good news and great strides in our journey to finding our daughter.

Happy Holidays to all our friends and family near and far!  May 2012 bring you lots of happiness and good health.   

Our Next Steps

As I was driving Auden to daycare one morning this week, I heard an advertisement on the radio for the Adoption Expo at the Grand Hyatt that we went to exactly one year ago on Saturday which started us off on this crazy journey.  In some ways, it feels like we have come so far in one year- chose an agency, got through the “paper chase,” completed our home study, and we have been on the Korean program’s waitlist since July.  But due to the unpredictable nature of adoption, in many ways I feel like we have barely taken any steps closer to finding our daughter. 

This brings me to an update on some decisions we’ve made recently in light of the increased wait times for the Korean Program.  By the way, since I last wrote the estimated wait times have increased again (sigh).  The first decision we made is that we definitely want to wait for a girl.  It saddens me that there are so many more boys available for adoption (internationally and domestically) because I think boys are the absolute best (of course I’m biased, ha) but we feel in our hearts that a little girl is right for our family at this time.  So, then the question is, do we stay in the Korea program even though we probably won’t be able to go get our daughter until 2014?  Cody went to an informational meeting at our agency last week to discuss the future of the Korea program since things have been slowing down significantly lately.  The consensus is that things aren’t going to get better, if anything, they will just get worse (no surprise there).  So it seems pretty unnerving at this point to put “all our eggs” in this basket.  We also decided against moving to domestic adoption.  We’ve invested so much time and money with this agency already; I really don’t think I can handle starting all over again with a domestic agency.  However, if we were starting the process right now, knowing about the severe slow downs that occurred in many international programs this year, we probably would have went the domestic route.  But international is where our heart is now. 

The past month has been a whirlwind of learning as much as I can about the China Waiting Child (special needs) program, and then relaying that information to Cody, ha.  We had the opportunity to meet with a family that has adopted two boys from China who had cleft lip/palate who were gracious enough to have us to their home.  We also had an appointment with Auden’s cardiologist which gave us the opportunity to ask him about various congenital heart defects (CHDs) that are typically seen in the special needs program.  These two issues are typically the most minor/correctable in the special needs program which is why I focused on them.  Cleft lip/cleft palate is minor in the fact that you are just dealing with oral and cosmetic surgery (nothing life-threatening or serious), however, there are typically many surgeries involved throughout childhood and speech therapy is typically necessary on a weekly basis into grade school.  While, CHDs on the other hand can be more serious in that you are talking about the heart.  However, Auden’s cardiologist reassured us that many of the CHDs (or at least the ones we would be open to- ASD, VSD, PDA, PFO and maybe TOF) are generally no big deal, some requiring no surgery, some requiring just one surgery.  It was wonderful to hear that he actually has experience in looking at adoption files from China and he would be happy to review our potential daughter’s file when we get matched.  He is an extremely well respected doctor affiliated with Georgetown University and we trust his opinion.   

So with all this information we have decided to pursue the China WC program. Cody has decided he wishes to pursue CHDs only at this time.  I am still open to cleft, but will of course respect Cody’s decision.  Because young girls with correctable CHDs are typically the most desired by potential parents, we will have to wait longer for this type of match.  Especially because the China WC program, just like the Korea program, is composed of 75% boys.  Still, our agency has promised us that the longest it has ever taken for them to find this type of girl match for a family has been 8 months, so that would still put us in the 2013 time frame that we have been hoping for.  We are actually going to stay on the Korea wait list for now, and do what is called “dual listing” (which I found out I could do since my last update).  Our agency will let us be on two waitlists at the same time but as soon as we accept a match, we have to get off the other waitlist.  We figure, no sense in getting off the Korea waitlist now since we already paid for the Korean homestudy.  Now we can get started on China right away. 

So, what’s next?  More and more paperwork.  Korea was the easiest program to apply for because they didn’t belong to an international treaty called the Hague Convention that most countries belong to.  So we got away with doing less paperwork.  Unfortunately, for China we have to now do that additional paperwork.  First, we had to do two more background checks of two states we didn’t need for Korea.  We submitted them last week and New York will likely take 6-8 weeks to come back.  In the meantime, we needed to complete a couple more hours of education requirements (webinars) and we had to bug some more of our close friends and Auden’s daycare provider to write a recommendation letter for us for China’s specific requirements.  As soon as our background checks come in, our social worker is then able to write a homestudy report specific to China.  After she writes our homestudy report, we can then start to compile what is known as a “dossier” which is the additional paperwork that Hague Convention countries require.  I will discuss this more in detail when the time comes.  They can’t start looking for a referral (or match) for us until our dossier is sent to China.  I’m hoping we can get our dossier sent to China by April, but we will see. 

 It’s hard not to all of a sudden feel “behind the game” with China since I feel like we are starting over in many respects.  But I have to keep reminding myself that we couldn’t have started earlier anyway because of Auden’s age.  Since they match children in the China WC program when they are typically over 12 months old, our agency wants Auden to be 2 years old when they start looking for a match so there is a least a year age difference between the children (which makes sense to us too).  Also, China requires parents to be at least 30 years old, which Cody just turned in May, ha.  Although the paperwork is obnoxious and getting on another country’s waiting list means considerably more expenses, it feels good that we are going to have options.  I like the idea of doing all that we can, then having God lead us to the path that is right for us.  A big thanks to our friends and family who have been so supportive the past month as we worked through our next steps. 

Not so good news...

We were warned that there are bumps in all adoption journeys, but I don’t think we were expecting a bump this early in the wait.  Unfortunately, this week, we were informed that the wait time for Korean girls has increased substantially.   For whatever reason, the agencies are just not receiving a lot of girl referrals (profiles of girls to be matched with waiting parents).  The majority of referrals are boys (which we knew), but even more so than usual lately and the agency is unsure as to why.  Therefore, instead of being matched with a baby girl by February like we were originally told, it now could be as late as July of 2012.  If that holds true and we don’t get matched until next summer, it is a very real possibility that we will not be bringing our child home until 2014 instead of 2013 like we planned on.  This news was very heartbreaking, as 2014 just seems so far away.  So in typical Courtney fashion, I needed to research back-up plans and different options in the event that we don’t think we can handle waiting until 2014. 

Option #1- If we switch to requesting a boy instead of a girl right now, the program director said we would probably be matched in the next month or two.  Which means, we would most definitely be able to travel to go get him in the beginning of 2013 since it is a 14 month wait to travel.  The question is: how bad we want a daughter vs. a son.  There is no doubt about it, Cody and I both want a daughter, but we also believe we want three children right now…so the daughter could possibly come later.  However, life changes and there are no guarantees that our plan of three children will become reality.  As we see, the adoption process is not an easy one and while we hope we will be able to do it again, who knows what the future could bring.  A definite pro to having another son is that he and Auden would likely be 18 months apart and grow up being very close to one another. 

Option #2- We wait and see what happens until June and if things still aren’t looking good with getting a girl referral in the Korea program, we switch to the China “waiting child” program (as the regular China program is not an option because it is an upwards of 5 year wait time).  This program is for children with minor/correctable health conditions as well as major health problems.  We could specify that we are open to a girl with a minor/correctable health issue, for example, a girl with Auden’s minor heart condition would be in this group of waiting children.  The majority of the minor/correctable issues are heart problems and cleft lip/palate.  This program moves very fast (for an international program) and we could be matched with a girl in 3-4 months (they are typically around 14-20 months old at time of matching) and travel to go get her in only 4 short months.  So the whole process would only take about 8 months and this would allow us to bring home a daughter in 2013 (like we originally planned with the Korea program).  Of course, with this option we need to open our minds and hearts to a child with a known medical condition which is not a decision to be taken lightly.

So, with both the Korea and China Waiting Child program, we would be bringing home an 18-24 month old girl.  The difference is, with Korea, you are matched with her when she is 6 months old and you virtually watch her grow up on the other side of the world for 14 months (updates, pictures, sending care packages).  While, China, you are matched when they are already a toddler and then travel in 4 months to go get her.  Each obviously having pros and cons.  The biggest pro for China Waiting Child is that the program moves so much faster than Korea and we could bring home a daughter in 2013. 

Option #3- We wait and see what happens until June and if things still aren’t looking good with getting a girl referral in the Korea program, we bail entirely on International adoption and go the domestic route.  Typically, domestic adoptions take a 1.5 years or less.   However, like I explained in an earlier blog post, with domestic, you are completely at the whim of when (and whether) a birth mother chooses you.  This is quite tricky because we would probably have to move to a bigger house before we decided to go this route as it would not be optimal putting a newborn in the same room as a toddler (and I’m sure the agency and birth mother would agree).  Going domestic would also mean that we would have to become comfortable with the idea of at least a semi-open adoption with the birth parents, as closed adoptions are pretty much unheard of today.  To be honest, Cody and I are not completely psyched about having a newborn again…I guess we have been a bit traumatized with Auden’s first year.  So, this option is definitely at the bottom of the list right now. 

This is where our heads are at right now.  I know ultimately only we can make the decision what is best with our family, but we would really appreciate any insight or advice from family and friends.  Sometimes people looking from the outside in, can offer a different perspective that perhaps we cannot see right now.

A letter to Auden- 18 months old

This will likely be one of many letters I write to Auden and our future child in hopes that this blog will give our children some insight into what was going on in our lives at a particular time. 

Dear Auden,

You are 18 months old now, that is 1.5 years old to be exact:-)  I’m not sure how this happened as it feels like just yesterday we were celebrating your first birthday.  But one thing is for sure; you are a little boy now and not a baby (of course you will always be my baby).

Our prayers and hopes for the year 2011 to bring you good health have come true and we certainly feel blessed.  Unlike last year, the months of 2011 blur wonderfully together and can’t be identified with a particular hospital stay, heart episode, illness, specialist visit, or diagnostic test. Hopefully I’m not jinxing it by saying the normalcy of the past 9 months has been nothing short of beautiful. 

One big change in June that you took in stride was the transition from being cared for by a nanny to an at-home daycare.  When Odette had to leave us due to health issues we thought it would be a good opportunity to try daycare again since your eating had significantly improved.  We found a great place for you two miles down the road, it is run out of a woman’s home and there are 8 other kids, primarily boys ranging in age from 1.5-3 years old (still Monday-Thursday schedule).  She has a huge blow up pool and a big backyard and shares our (and your) belief that kids should spend lots of time outdoors.  Besides the frequent bug bites, we couldn’t be happier with the arrangement and judging by the smile on your face when you arrive every morning, I think you agree!  Every week the daycare tells me what a happy and energetic boy you are and how you have no fear when it comes to playing with the older boys…they say you run, climb and dunk your head under water like you are 3 years old already, haJ 

Another change that the last few months have brought has been switching your speech therapist from working on eating issues with you to solely speech therapy now.  In the last 3-4 months your eating has been very good, you have the ability to eat all things now without gagging and/or throwing up (yippee!).  Of course, Mommy and Daddy always wish your quantity was a little greater; but we are thrilled with the quality and variety of food you eat now.  Speech therapy has been going well, we actually have only had three true sessions and you are already saying five or six words now!  Your vocabulary consists of DADDA, GO, UP, BALL, HI, BUBBLES, WAWA (water) and for some reason you can say BYE-BYE BALL when we leave the balls at the park or pool but curiously won’t say BYE-BYE alone, ha.  Please note, that you still don’t call me MOMMA…rather, DADDA for both your father and I…so let’s try to work on thisJ  The speech therapist says the goal is 18 words at 18 months.  So you are definitely still considered delayed but we are SO proud of all the progress you have been making! 

Here’s a list of things that you are up to lately:

• You love hiding things in bizarre places, i.e. we found your wet swim suit in the kitchen drawer with the granola bars.
• Your favorite book right now is "What's that Noise?" that has pop-ups of trains, tractors, cars, and planes.
• You are a little show-off...when I come to pick you up from daycare you run around the room laughing and being silly so that all the parents have to watch you and comment about what a cute and happy boy you are.
• You are very shy around adult men that are not Daddy or your grandpas....but you love all women:-)
• You used to be terrified when you heard planes, helicopters and sirens.  Now you point when you hear them and happily start waving at them.
• You love riding on Daddy's shoulders and use this mode of transport quite often. 
• You. Never. Stop. Moving.  You only have one mode right now- running!  (and you have the constant bruises, bumps and scrapes to show for it)   
• Very fittingly, your first word was "GO!" 
• Much to your parents’ dismay, you only truly snuggle/cuddle when you are sick. 
• Nothing brings more squeals of excitement from you then playing a good game of hide-n-go-seek. 
• The jury is still out regarding whether you are going to be left handed (like Mommy) or right handed (like Daddy).  Currently, you are favoring the left about 70% of the time. 
• Whenever we walk to the park, you insist on smelling the neighbor's rose bush because we did it once when it actually had roses on it, but now you are just smelling leaves and you think it’s hilarious. 
• You blow kisses goodbye to the ladies at daycare when we leave for the evening...it is the cutest!

Auden, despite all the challenges you have had to face in your short little life, you have grown into such an energetic and happy little boy.  Every morning after our alarm goes off; I reach over to look at the baby monitor screen and can’t help but to smile…because every day you fill our world with such joy and happiness.  We love you little monkey. 

Below are some of my favorite pictures from this summer!  We’ve had so many fun trips and you have now been on a plane 5 times since you were 6 months old!   

                                                                                    

                                                                

                                                                       

                                                                               

                                                                         

Pregnant on Paper!

Today we received our "Welcome to the Korea Program" packet, officially letting us know that we are on the wait list for our baby girl!  We were in limbo for the last two weeks as our homestudy approval was being processed and we were being handed over to the Korea Program Specialist in the agency.  Our letter today actually says our official start date on the wait list was July 5th...even better! 

It feels SO completely real now reading this packet of information about receiving our referral (matching us with a baby girl) and discussing care packages we can send to her while we have to wait to travel to Korea.  Just can't believe we are finally at this step!  In 9 months (or hopefully a little less) we are going to get a picture and a profile of a baby....so exciting!!  And the best part of these next 9 months...I will have no morning sickness, can drink alcohol, sleep on my stomach, and no weight gain:-) 

My posts may be a little more infrequent now that we are just in waiting mode until Feb/March until we get our match....so I strongly encourage you to put your email address in the upper left hand corner if you want to receive email notifications of a new blog post so you don't have to keep checking back.  In the meantime, I will post any updates to the Korea program in general that our agency makes us aware of and I'm sure some updates of our little Auden too:-)  Thanks so much to everyone for your encouragement and support up to this point!

Home Study Complete!

Our last meeting with the social worker was this morning!  This was the only meeting that took place in our home.  She met Auden, did a quick tour of the place, asked about the community in which we live, and then we discussed any questions we still had.  Auden was well behaved for the visit, in part due to feeling under the weather, so he was shy and sat quietly on our laps (quite rare for our little guy, ha). 

Over the next few days she will speak to our references and then she expects to give her approval by the end of the week which begins the official wait!  I can't believe the home study took less than 30 days for us...thankfully due to our flexible schedules (and our social worker’s availability) we were able to move it along quickly.  If you recall I originally said I hoped to have it finished by the end of the summer, so we are two months ahead of my arbitrary schedule, ha.  This is definitely a good thing since the wait times are lengthening in Korea. 

Hopefully, by the end of the week I can tell you that we received approval!

Two down, one more to go

We were definitely less nervous for our second meeting with the social worker since the first one went so smoothly.  For this meeting she spent the first half of the meeting asking about our families, childhood and aspirations for our own children.  The second half of the meeting was spent discussing transracial/transcultural parenting. 

We discussed how many of the articles we read (our “homework”) written by adult adoptees were a bit discouraging to us because it seemed like no matter what the parents do the child will still have major self identity issues/struggles.  Our social worker explained that this may be true but by giving them the right foundation and the right tools to cope, the difference lies in how well and how quickly they can get through these moments in their life.  Will it just be a little bump in the road or a big bump that they are not able to pull themselves out of?  It is all about the foundation and groundwork we lay….how we talk about adoption and how she became our daughter as well as how we discuss, teach, and expose her to her Korean heritage.  The responsibility of it all…to create the best environment we possibly can for our little girl to grow up full of pride and confidence in who she is and her place in our family….is both scary and very exciting at the same time.

We strongly encourage close family and friends to take a look at some short articles (over the next year).  Since you will very much apart of our daughter’s life, Cody and I believe it is important for you to educate yourselves regarding correct terminology when discussing adoption as well as being aware of feelings our daughter may have growing up (and could potentially talk to you about). 

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=195

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1215

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1758

http://www.nacac.org/postadopt/transracial_identity.html

http://a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=229&Itemid=108

I recently found a blog written by a mother of two adopted Korean boys and an African American girl, she is such a beautiful writer and I thought this post about transracial parenting was just lovely:  http://flowerpatchfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2010/12/big-adoption-series-chapter-19.html 

One of the most interesting things the social worker brought up at our meeting is to think about Auden’s culture.  We are going to be so focused on learning about Korean culture for our daughter it will make Auden think he doesn’t have a “culture.”  The problem is, like many Caucasians living in America, we don’t really subscribe to any one culture and therefore almost have a feeling of a lack of culture.  Despite Auden having a very Hispanic last name, and his mother having a very Irish maiden name, he comes from so much more than these two backgrounds…as he is also…Danish, German, Italian, Czech…and probably one or two others I’m forgetting right now.  Cody and I agreed that despite intercultural/interracial marriages and families being such a wonderful thing in today’s society it is quite a shame that what comes with it sometimes is a sense of loss of culture.  So don’t be surprised if Cody and I start honoring some old Danish, Italian, Czech, etc. traditionsJ

We will likely be scheduling our third and final visit with the social worker by the end of the month…stay tuned!    

One down, two more to go

*Please note, if you enter your email address in the upper left hand corner of the page you can receive email notifications everytime a new blog post has been written. 
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Overall, I would have to say the first interview with the social worker went very well (although I have nothing to compare it to, ha).  It started out somewhat humorously when Cody politely told me in the car ride to the meeting to make sure I didn't interrupt him when he was talking and hijack his stories.  I will admit I have a habit to do this, but in my defense it only happens when Cody takes a several second pause which makes me feel the need to interject to fill what I consider very awkward silence.  I am happy to report that I only interrupted once when Cody was talking and this he greatly appreciated because I gave him a word he was searching for.  In fact, I even let Cody do most of the talking which I'm sure the social worker was probably not used to, as I can imagine typically the wife does most of the talking (maybe we even got some points for it, haha).  

The questions she asked us were actually fun because it was like a trip down memory lane.  How we met, our memorable dates, our time abroad, our wedding, up to last year with the pregnancy and birth of Auden.  Other questions included how we communicate with each other, show our appreciation/affection to each other and our strengths/weaknesses.  Basically, good questions that any married couple should think about time to time, especially before they make the decision to have a child.

The only downside about the interview was the information we received regarding the Korea program.  Unfortunately due to the Korea government reducing the quota for the number of children that can leave the country in a given year it is creating a longer wait time to travel to go get your child than in years previous.  Which means, instead of going to get our daughter when she is 15-16 months like we originally thought; now she is going to be almost 20 months old when we can go get her.  This is a big bummer to me...it just makes me so sad to know she will have to be in foster care until she is 20 months old because of an arbitrary quota the Korean government set.  We will be matched with her when she is 6 months old, so that is 14 months of knowing who our daughter is but not being able to get her.  Some might say- we knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Cody likes to look at the bright side...more time we can stay in our current house and save up for an ever better house for when she gets here, which is definitely a bonus. 

So, what's next?  Our second meeting with the social worker will be this Friday, June 10th.  She gave us some "homework," specifically articles to read about transracial parenting so I'm guessing that will be the major topic of our second meeting with her.  The third and final visit, hopefully by the end of the month, is the visit that will take place in our home and when she will meet Auden.  Soon after that, upon her approval, we officially are on the waiting list to be matched with a baby girl.  The wait to be matched is anywhere from 1-8 months.  Since we are waiting for a girl (which there are less of) and we are being pretty conservative as far as medical conditions go that we are open to, we estimate that our wait time will be towards the end of the range...probably 8 months.  Crazy to think that by February we will most likely have a profile and picture of our little girl (6 months old at time).  Then the harder wait begins...14 months until we can travel to go get her.  Thank God we have a little monkey to keep us busy in the meantime!

First Interview is Scheduled

Our first interview with the social worker is on Friday...as in two days from now!  We will be going into the agency for this meeting (not sure I like the word "interview") and then I believe the next two meetings will be at our home.  So luckily we don't have to go cleaning crazy just yet:-)  I can't speak for Cody but I'm a little nervous as I'm not sure how she is going to ask us enough questions to fill a two hour period of time.  We'll see soon enough!  

Let the home study begin!

Yes, finally an update!  Happy to report that yesterday I received a letter by mail stating that all our paperwork, fingerprints and clearances have been processed!  We have been assigned a social worker that will be calling us within the week to set up our first interview.  We are so excited!  Especially now that so many of our friends that have kiddos Auden's age are pregnant with #2.  We started researching agencies last fall, when honestly, having another child was the furthest thing from our minds.  Thank god I trusted my instinct that we had to start then because I just knew we would be more than ready by the time we got matched with a child.  Although we love our little Auden Angel more than life itself, he was as high maintenance as they come as a baby.  Now that he is a little toddler, things are so much easier, and I really just can't wait for a little girl....even if I have to wait 1.5 years:-)

Here are some random silly pictures of Auden...

Here he thinks his baby monitor is a phone...in his defense it does look like our iphones!

The kid who refused to keep a party hat for one second at his 1st birthday party now wants to wear this hat all the time and will find it and put it on himself!

YES, NO, or MAYBE

First, a status update.  I spoke to the agency last week to tie up some loose ends with our paperwork and they said our child abuse clearances should be back within the next week or so.  They need to get the results of these before we can officially begin our home study.  So hopefully we will be getting the call that we have been assigned a social worker by the end of the month!  Then the real fun begins:-)   

In the meantime, there is an interesting form that we must have completed for the first visit with our social worker.  It is a form that lists almost every health condition as well as family background concerns.  There are three boxes next to each condition/concern- YES, NO, or MAYBE.  And our job is to check a box next to each one which describes our openness to accept a child with this condition or concern.  It is a very strange feeling to make a decision regarding whether or not your child is going to have a certain condition/disease.  After all, if this was a biological child…even if you get the genetic testing done during pregnancy, usually all you can do is pray that your child is not born with some severe health challenge.  You don’t get to choose whether your child is born blind, or with seizures, or with spina bifida, or with autism, etc. 

As you can imagine, there is a great need for parents willing to adopt children with special needs…afterall, these are the children that are usually “unwanted” and have to grow up in group/foster homes.  I must say, filling out this form, does bring a considerable amount of guilt when you are seeking a “healthy” child.  It breaks your heart to know that these special needs children, who probably need a parent’s love the most, are the ones growing old in group/foster homes.  God bless the adoptive parents seeking special needs children.    

Of course, no child is perfect.  And if you check “NO” to every condition/concern, you will likely be waiting to be matched with a child for a very long time.  For example, Cody and I  happily checked “YES” to “mild hyperactivity” and “mild speech delay.”   We also checked “MAYBE” to many conditions that Auden had/has…I just couldn’t imagine excluding them.  For example, “32-36 weeks premature,” “under 32 weeks premature,”  “low birth weight- under four pounds,” “blood transfusion,” and “minor heart defect.”  Of course, not every preemie does as well as Auden for being born at 31 wks, but on the other hand, some do even better.  So, by checking the “maybe” box, we feel it is a good compromise and if a child happens to be presented to us with some of these issues, we will definitely consider them on an individual basis.  

Some of the background issues were a little more difficult.  For example, "depression in family background," or "birth parents experienced physical abuse."  Because this could have absolutely nothing to do with the child you adopt.  One background issue we were warned we have to be open to is minimal alcohol use by the birth mother during pregnancy.  Typically, this means the mother drank "soju" (a common social drink, comparable to beer in alcohol content) during the first couple months of her pregnancy before she knew she was pregnant.  When we get matched with a child and learn more details about exactly how much alcohol exposure, we will discuss with our pediatrician and international adoption physician ( which we hire to look at the child's medical profile) the risks associated with such exposure.  This may make some uneasy, but I just feel lucky we will be presented with a detailed account of the mother's pregnancy...if we were adopting from any other country (esp. eastern europe or china) we would get zero information and have no clue regarding the child's exposure to alcohol and drugs during pregnancy.  That to me is a lot riskier than knowing exactly how many drinks the mother consumed during her pregnancy.  But the bottom line is, Cody and I won't accept a referral for a child that we don't feel 100% comfortable with as far as medical/background issues go.  And if that means we have to wait longer for the little girl that is right for us, then that is okay:-) 

PAPERWORK IS IN THE MAIL!!!!

What a wonderful feeling to mail all of the paperwork today that we have been working on for the past 3.5  months!!!  I feel like everything is finally set in motion now:-) 

So what happens next?  After our materials are reviewed by the agency we will be assigned a social worker to begin our "home study."  The home study is a series of meetings/interviews with the social worker at your home to learn more about your family and to help educate and prepare you for adopting a child.  Part of it is also evaluating your home to make sure it is a safe place for a child to be raised.  This, by law, must involve us doing things like creating and posting fire escape plans and keeping a log of monthly smoke detector tests (really state of VA...aren't monthly records a bit excessive?).  Luckily, Cody went to an estate sale yesterday and picked up another fire extinguisher since we have to have one on every floor, ha. 

Many people think this home study is a pass/fail situation which is not true.  The agency wants you to succeed in adopting a child, they are on your side, so they are there to help educate and prepare you as necessary.  The only tricky thing with our home study is the fact that we may or may not be in a new house by the time we bring our daughter home.  The agency told us in the beginning this wouldn't be an issue and we would just have to do a "revised home study" when we move into the new house (for an additional fee, of course).  So, that is the plan for now.  I'm not sure how long the home study should take, they say it depends a lot on your availability for meetings.  I'm hoping by the end of the summer our home study will be completed and then we will officially be "on the list" waiting to be matched with a child.

Happy "Adjusted" Birthday to Auden!

Today, in addition to it being my sweet little niece’s first birthday, is also one year from the day Auden was “supposed” to be born, a.k.a. my due date.  So in honor of that, this post is going to be all about Auden:-)  Now obviously most babies don’t come on their due date, but doctors and therapists use April 11^th when evaluating Auden developmentally.  This is called his “adjusted” or “corrected” age and is typically used for preemies until they reach 2 years old.  By then, they say preemies have typically “caught up” to their actual age in development.  Or another way you can look at it, there is not really much of a developmental difference between a 24 month old versus a 26 month old (like when comparing a 4 month old to a 6 month old)…the older the preemie it gets less necessary to adjust or correct their age. 

Many people think once preemies are released from the NICU that all their troubles are behind them.  Unfortunately this is not always the case. The rule typically is the earlier the preemie was born the greater the risk for long term issues.  Some of these medical issues can include cerebral palsy, vision and hearing problems, digestive and feeding problems, and respiratory issues.  One of the most common ongoing issues preemies face is developmental delays (as well as learning disabilities) and for that reason preemies typically get developmental evaluations periodically and can qualify for early intervention therapy services when needed.

Auden's latest developmental evaluation was very good.  His gross motor skills were excellent; he was a little ahead of the curve for his actual age (well surpassed his adjusted age).   The average preemie born when Auden was (31 weeks 5 days) starts walking around 16 months old and Auden was taking his fist steps before he turned one and fully walking at 13 months.  Auden's fine motor skills were evaluated somewhere between his adjusted age and actual age which is also good.

Auden is only considered “delayed” in the area of eating.   Unfortunately, like most of you know, Auden has been struggling with feeding issues since he was born.  This is hard to explain to people because he has always gained weight steadily (a blessing indeed but not sure it would be the case without our considerable efforts).  In the beginning, Auden’s feeding problems stemmed from severe reflux that caused painful feedings and even a bottle aversion (he would cry at even the sight of the bottle).  We eventually got through it by lots of reflux medication, the passage of time and finding various techniques that worked for us which included giving most bottles while Auden was asleep (seriously, called "dream feeding") or distracting him while drinking.  When it came time for solid foods we found that Auden had a severe gag reflex which finally prompted us to seek early intervention (speech therapy services) for feeding help.   We have bi-weekly sessions with the therapist and typically her role is to give us helpful tips regarding how develop his ability to chew and what order we should try different types of textures to reduce Auden’s gagging (which usually turned into vomiting).

Something quite amazing happened after Auden's first birthday- the gagging almost completely stopped.  Literally it seemed like overnight he was able to eat every kind of finger food that his gagging prevented him from being able to eat previously.  Our nanny, therapist and pediatrician were all very amazed how quickly things changed as well (as usually it is more gradual). So right now he is eating about 50% "real" food and 50% purée baby food and we couldn't be more pleased!  When we are able to get his quantity up of real food we will decrease the amount of puréed baby food accordingly.  He has also been doing great in the milk drinking department.  We packed away all his bottles last month because Auden now drinks all his whole milk in his straw sippy cup!  Straw cups are apparently better for speech development so it was a huge bonus that this was his favorite type of sippy cup.  So, things have been really good lately with Auden’s recent eating improvements.  However, it still amazes us how much a child’s eating (or lack thereof) can consume your life.

Auden is such an energetic little toddler, he literally never stops moving!  He is a great traveler because his favorite thing is to explore new places.  Auden loves being outdoors more than anything else and even cries when he has to come inside.  His new “thing” is trying to carry objects that are practically bigger than him, see pictures below!  If they are too heavy for him to carry, watch out, he will go into a full on tantrum if he isn’t able to pick them up (and we can’t help not to laugh because he looks and sounds like the Incredible Hulk trying!).  Auden has taken his love for water to another level lately.  When you take him out of the bath he will grip the sides of the tub tightly and try (successfully once) to dive head first back into the water!  It brings us so much joy to watch his little personality develop every month and we just can’t believe how far our little guy has come!

Becoming a Transracial Family

A transracial or transcultural adoption means placing a child who is of one race or ethnic group with adoptive parents of another race or ethnic group.  Being a transracial family means having a “public family.”  This is the notion that when families adopt a child from a different race or culture it is usually open and obvious to strangers that their child came into their family by way of adoption.  Inevitably, this makes the transracial family have to deal with questions about adoption.  Whether it be from a child who doesn’t know any better (e.g. why don’t you look like your mommy?) or an adult who should know better (e.g. are you not able to have children of your own?).  We will have to be prepared for these questions and decide what things we feel comfortable sharing with others and what things we don’t.  The way we respond to these questions will impact our daughter and how she should respond to similar questions in the future. 

I hate to admit it, but at the onset of our adoption journey I was one the naïve ones who believed statements like 1) skin color isn’t important to me and 2) our unconditional love will be enough for the child.  We learned in our pre-adoption class two weeks ago that sentiments like these cause more harm than good to an adopted child.   

Growing up as a white person in a white community I never thought much about race because, frankly, it wasn’t an issue for me.  The class taught us the importance of realizing the same will not be true for our daughter.  Unfortunately, even in today’s society race is still an issue and stereotypes are still prevalent.  We need to keep an open dialogue to let her know that we are capable of dealing with these issues if they were to arise.  Furthermore, ignoring her race is ignoring a large part of her identity.  It will be important to celebrate her birth culture to show her it is something she should take pride in and embrace.  A good way to pass the time while waiting to get the call to go get her is to read books about South Korea to familiarize ourselves with her birth culture.

If there was ever a good place to be a transracial family, it would be Arlington.  The community in which we live is extremely diverse, made up of many different ethnic backgrounds.  As an added bonus, Arlington public schools rank among the top in the country.  For these reasons we really hope to stay in Arlington when we purchase our next home in the not too distant future.  Through the Arlington Mother’s Association I am apart of I was able to meet another mother who adopted her son from South Korea last year.  She has been an invaluable resource to me and has already invited me to a playgroup she hosts with other families in the community that have adopted children from South Korea in the last year.  How amazing is that?   

What About Domestic Adoption?

This post is to explain why we chose international adoption over domestic.  First, I would like to say I am in no way an expert in domestic adoption but I will do my best to explain what I have learned during our “researching” phase. 

Currently, the vast majority of adoptions that take place in the United States are considered “open adoptions,” meaning the adoptive family has some contact with the birth parents (ranging anywhere from a little to a lot of contact).  Research has shown over the last decade that there are many benefits to the adoptee when there is contact with the birth parents. Although Cody and I can understand why it may be meaningful for an adopted child to have such contact with their birth parents, to be honest, this is not something that appealed to us or something we feel comfortable with at this time.

Another factor that we considered a big disadvantage in domestic adoption is the unpredictability in terms of timing when we would get a child.  Now for some, especially first time parents, this would not be an issue at all.  But in our situation, timing is important because we already have a son and we would like to have some control in their age difference.  Timing is also important because we are going to need to purchase our next house before our daughter arrives.  The lack of control of timing in domestic adoptions is because most of the power lies with the birth mother.  Pregnant women (with the help of an agency) look through dozens and dozens of profiles of prospective parents and choose which adoptive family would be a good fit for her (perhaps you remember the last season of the show “Friends” where Monica and Chandler were waiting to get chosen by a birth mom).  This means, a birth mother may choose you in one month, in twelve months, or never.  Cody and I just can’t deal with this kind of uncertainty.  This differs from the international adoption process where the agency matches waiting families to children (think of it more as a waiting list and when you get to the top you get matched).  It also must be noted that it is not at all uncommon in domestic adoption to have a birth mother choose you and then reconsider the adoption later in the pregnancy or right after the birth of the child, which is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

 The most common type of domestic adoption is the process mentioned above where an agency (private or public) acts as an intermediary between the birth mother and adoptive families.  However, there are also two other types.  A “private/independent adoption” is where the prospective parents take a very active role in finding a birthmother, usually by advertising or networking (think of the movie “Juno” where the couple placed an ad in the magazine).  Then you just have to obtain an adoption attorney to take care of the legal aspects.  Lastly, there is “foster-to-adopt.”  This is where families take in infants/children that have typically been removed by the state due to neglect or abuse.  There is usually no guarantee that the first child that gets placed with you will be available for adoption, so it may take several placements before you are able to proceed with an adoption.  Cody and I have nothing but the utmost respect for foster families but know that it is not the right path for us at this time. 

The Great "Paper Chase"

We signed with an adoption agency in mid-December.  The first step in the adoption process is paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork.  They say it takes the typical couple two months to get through, I gave us an arbitrary deadline of four months because I did not want it to interfere with our time with Auden.  We started after the new year and I am happy to report we are just about done (and before our April deadline!). 

So what did the paperwork consist of?  Well, to start, a list of residences since you were 18 years old and background check forms in every state you lived in for the past five years...this may sound simple for some, but Cody and I have lived in over 10 places in the past decade including five states and one foreign country.  Oh, make that driving records too for three of the states.  Luckily, we had to do similar digging for the bar exam and when obtaining government positions so at least we had the residence information handy!  Onto the medical...the whole family had to get physicals (and caught up on vaccinations) including Auden.  The funny story to go along with this is that Cody's BMI was dangerously close to "overweight" and we had to fib a little on his height since Asian countries have strict BMI requirements.  Obviously Cody is nowhere close to really being overweight but BMI doesn't take muscle mass into consideration and Cody is deceptively heavy!  Onto the homework...we had to complete two online courses and answer 15 essay questions where they wanted a minimum of 7 pages (total).  This was probably the most time consuming.  Your answers aren't getting graded or anything like that but they want an accurate picture of your background, your life, family history, values, etc.  What about finances?  Oh yes, they want to make sure you can afford this child.  We had to create a monthly budget (which my financially savvy husband already keeps), lots of bank statement records, copies of tax returns, and employment verification letters. 

Aside from the above, there was fingerprinting, notorizations, and copies of important documents like birth/marriage certificates.  We also attended a mandatory pre-adoption class two weeks ago which was really informative and deserves a separate post that I will write in the near future.  After we make our own copies and put in the mail (hopefully next week), we get assigned a social worker from the agency and officially begin the home study process!  More about that soon:-)

Why South Korea?

The common misconception about international adoption is that you can just choose any country that sparks your interest.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Many times, the country picks you.  Meaning, there is such a long list of requirements/rules/standards for each country, you may not qualify for 50% of the countries with current "open" programs, heck, you may not even qualify for the majority of countries.  For example, some requirements/restrictions include: no parents over the age of 50, married for at least 3 years, income requirements, cannot be overweight, can have no more than two divorces per couple, level of education requirements and in many countries the use of certain medications (e.g. for anxiety or depression) can even bar you from being able to adopt. 

Now luckily Cody and I fit the above mentioned criteria for most countries, but there are travel requirements that very much guided our decision.  For example, Costa Rica, Columbia and Ecuador all require a 6-8 week stay in the country before being able to bring your child home and Russia requires two trips for a total of 5 weeks.  As you can imagine this is just not feasible for us since we have jobs and a son.

We also only looked at countries that had very well established programs...decades and decades of successful adoptions to the United States.  When investing so much emotionally and financially, this seemed to only make sense, why go with a "young" program that is so uncertain and set yourself up for a very bumpy road that may never lead you to your child?

China has a very long history of successful adoptions of baby girls in the United States, however, due to circumstances within the country, currently the wait time for healthy girls is in excess of 5 years...so long that most adoption agencies no long consider it a viable program and strictly deal with the Chinese "waiting children" who consist of older children or babies with minor to major medical needs.

So then there was South Korea.  This country appealed to us for many reasons.  It is a very large and stable program, our agency has over 40 years experience with the country and it is considered its flagship program.  Last year they placed 150 South Korean children in homes.  However, it is one of the most expensive programs, but for good reason.  Prior to placement, children are cared for in private homes by foster families as opposed to group homes or orphanages.  These foster mothers receive training, support and the best medical services to care for the children.  And because they are with foster families there is a lot less of a risk of developmental delays that come with the group homes.  Also, the South Korean program is very unique in that you are provided with a great deal of medical and family background information because typically unwed mothers spend the last months of their pregnancies in group homes before placing their babies up for adoption.  The program only requires that you go to Korea for four days and during that time you meet with the foster mother that has raised the baby for the first 16 months of their lives.  Last but not least, the South Korea program lets you choose a girl if you already have a son in the home.  However, there is a longer wait time for girls. 

Why not domestic you may be wondering?  I'll answer that in a future post:-)