What About Domestic Adoption?

This post is to explain why we chose international adoption over domestic.  First, I would like to say I am in no way an expert in domestic adoption but I will do my best to explain what I have learned during our “researching” phase. 

Currently, the vast majority of adoptions that take place in the United States are considered “open adoptions,” meaning the adoptive family has some contact with the birth parents (ranging anywhere from a little to a lot of contact).  Research has shown over the last decade that there are many benefits to the adoptee when there is contact with the birth parents. Although Cody and I can understand why it may be meaningful for an adopted child to have such contact with their birth parents, to be honest, this is not something that appealed to us or something we feel comfortable with at this time.

Another factor that we considered a big disadvantage in domestic adoption is the unpredictability in terms of timing when we would get a child.  Now for some, especially first time parents, this would not be an issue at all.  But in our situation, timing is important because we already have a son and we would like to have some control in their age difference.  Timing is also important because we are going to need to purchase our next house before our daughter arrives.  The lack of control of timing in domestic adoptions is because most of the power lies with the birth mother.  Pregnant women (with the help of an agency) look through dozens and dozens of profiles of prospective parents and choose which adoptive family would be a good fit for her (perhaps you remember the last season of the show “Friends” where Monica and Chandler were waiting to get chosen by a birth mom).  This means, a birth mother may choose you in one month, in twelve months, or never.  Cody and I just can’t deal with this kind of uncertainty.  This differs from the international adoption process where the agency matches waiting families to children (think of it more as a waiting list and when you get to the top you get matched).  It also must be noted that it is not at all uncommon in domestic adoption to have a birth mother choose you and then reconsider the adoption later in the pregnancy or right after the birth of the child, which is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

 The most common type of domestic adoption is the process mentioned above where an agency (private or public) acts as an intermediary between the birth mother and adoptive families.  However, there are also two other types.  A “private/independent adoption” is where the prospective parents take a very active role in finding a birthmother, usually by advertising or networking (think of the movie “Juno” where the couple placed an ad in the magazine).  Then you just have to obtain an adoption attorney to take care of the legal aspects.  Lastly, there is “foster-to-adopt.”  This is where families take in infants/children that have typically been removed by the state due to neglect or abuse.  There is usually no guarantee that the first child that gets placed with you will be available for adoption, so it may take several placements before you are able to proceed with an adoption.  Cody and I have nothing but the utmost respect for foster families but know that it is not the right path for us at this time.