PAPERWORK IS IN THE MAIL!!!!

What a wonderful feeling to mail all of the paperwork today that we have been working on for the past 3.5  months!!!  I feel like everything is finally set in motion now:-) 

So what happens next?  After our materials are reviewed by the agency we will be assigned a social worker to begin our "home study."  The home study is a series of meetings/interviews with the social worker at your home to learn more about your family and to help educate and prepare you for adopting a child.  Part of it is also evaluating your home to make sure it is a safe place for a child to be raised.  This, by law, must involve us doing things like creating and posting fire escape plans and keeping a log of monthly smoke detector tests (really state of VA...aren't monthly records a bit excessive?).  Luckily, Cody went to an estate sale yesterday and picked up another fire extinguisher since we have to have one on every floor, ha. 

Many people think this home study is a pass/fail situation which is not true.  The agency wants you to succeed in adopting a child, they are on your side, so they are there to help educate and prepare you as necessary.  The only tricky thing with our home study is the fact that we may or may not be in a new house by the time we bring our daughter home.  The agency told us in the beginning this wouldn't be an issue and we would just have to do a "revised home study" when we move into the new house (for an additional fee, of course).  So, that is the plan for now.  I'm not sure how long the home study should take, they say it depends a lot on your availability for meetings.  I'm hoping by the end of the summer our home study will be completed and then we will officially be "on the list" waiting to be matched with a child.

Happy "Adjusted" Birthday to Auden!

Today, in addition to it being my sweet little niece’s first birthday, is also one year from the day Auden was “supposed” to be born, a.k.a. my due date.  So in honor of that, this post is going to be all about Auden:-)  Now obviously most babies don’t come on their due date, but doctors and therapists use April 11^th when evaluating Auden developmentally.  This is called his “adjusted” or “corrected” age and is typically used for preemies until they reach 2 years old.  By then, they say preemies have typically “caught up” to their actual age in development.  Or another way you can look at it, there is not really much of a developmental difference between a 24 month old versus a 26 month old (like when comparing a 4 month old to a 6 month old)…the older the preemie it gets less necessary to adjust or correct their age. 

Many people think once preemies are released from the NICU that all their troubles are behind them.  Unfortunately this is not always the case. The rule typically is the earlier the preemie was born the greater the risk for long term issues.  Some of these medical issues can include cerebral palsy, vision and hearing problems, digestive and feeding problems, and respiratory issues.  One of the most common ongoing issues preemies face is developmental delays (as well as learning disabilities) and for that reason preemies typically get developmental evaluations periodically and can qualify for early intervention therapy services when needed.

Auden's latest developmental evaluation was very good.  His gross motor skills were excellent; he was a little ahead of the curve for his actual age (well surpassed his adjusted age).   The average preemie born when Auden was (31 weeks 5 days) starts walking around 16 months old and Auden was taking his fist steps before he turned one and fully walking at 13 months.  Auden's fine motor skills were evaluated somewhere between his adjusted age and actual age which is also good.

Auden is only considered “delayed” in the area of eating.   Unfortunately, like most of you know, Auden has been struggling with feeding issues since he was born.  This is hard to explain to people because he has always gained weight steadily (a blessing indeed but not sure it would be the case without our considerable efforts).  In the beginning, Auden’s feeding problems stemmed from severe reflux that caused painful feedings and even a bottle aversion (he would cry at even the sight of the bottle).  We eventually got through it by lots of reflux medication, the passage of time and finding various techniques that worked for us which included giving most bottles while Auden was asleep (seriously, called "dream feeding") or distracting him while drinking.  When it came time for solid foods we found that Auden had a severe gag reflex which finally prompted us to seek early intervention (speech therapy services) for feeding help.   We have bi-weekly sessions with the therapist and typically her role is to give us helpful tips regarding how develop his ability to chew and what order we should try different types of textures to reduce Auden’s gagging (which usually turned into vomiting).

Something quite amazing happened after Auden's first birthday- the gagging almost completely stopped.  Literally it seemed like overnight he was able to eat every kind of finger food that his gagging prevented him from being able to eat previously.  Our nanny, therapist and pediatrician were all very amazed how quickly things changed as well (as usually it is more gradual). So right now he is eating about 50% "real" food and 50% purée baby food and we couldn't be more pleased!  When we are able to get his quantity up of real food we will decrease the amount of puréed baby food accordingly.  He has also been doing great in the milk drinking department.  We packed away all his bottles last month because Auden now drinks all his whole milk in his straw sippy cup!  Straw cups are apparently better for speech development so it was a huge bonus that this was his favorite type of sippy cup.  So, things have been really good lately with Auden’s recent eating improvements.  However, it still amazes us how much a child’s eating (or lack thereof) can consume your life.

Auden is such an energetic little toddler, he literally never stops moving!  He is a great traveler because his favorite thing is to explore new places.  Auden loves being outdoors more than anything else and even cries when he has to come inside.  His new “thing” is trying to carry objects that are practically bigger than him, see pictures below!  If they are too heavy for him to carry, watch out, he will go into a full on tantrum if he isn’t able to pick them up (and we can’t help not to laugh because he looks and sounds like the Incredible Hulk trying!).  Auden has taken his love for water to another level lately.  When you take him out of the bath he will grip the sides of the tub tightly and try (successfully once) to dive head first back into the water!  It brings us so much joy to watch his little personality develop every month and we just can’t believe how far our little guy has come!

Becoming a Transracial Family

A transracial or transcultural adoption means placing a child who is of one race or ethnic group with adoptive parents of another race or ethnic group.  Being a transracial family means having a “public family.”  This is the notion that when families adopt a child from a different race or culture it is usually open and obvious to strangers that their child came into their family by way of adoption.  Inevitably, this makes the transracial family have to deal with questions about adoption.  Whether it be from a child who doesn’t know any better (e.g. why don’t you look like your mommy?) or an adult who should know better (e.g. are you not able to have children of your own?).  We will have to be prepared for these questions and decide what things we feel comfortable sharing with others and what things we don’t.  The way we respond to these questions will impact our daughter and how she should respond to similar questions in the future. 

I hate to admit it, but at the onset of our adoption journey I was one the naïve ones who believed statements like 1) skin color isn’t important to me and 2) our unconditional love will be enough for the child.  We learned in our pre-adoption class two weeks ago that sentiments like these cause more harm than good to an adopted child.   

Growing up as a white person in a white community I never thought much about race because, frankly, it wasn’t an issue for me.  The class taught us the importance of realizing the same will not be true for our daughter.  Unfortunately, even in today’s society race is still an issue and stereotypes are still prevalent.  We need to keep an open dialogue to let her know that we are capable of dealing with these issues if they were to arise.  Furthermore, ignoring her race is ignoring a large part of her identity.  It will be important to celebrate her birth culture to show her it is something she should take pride in and embrace.  A good way to pass the time while waiting to get the call to go get her is to read books about South Korea to familiarize ourselves with her birth culture.

If there was ever a good place to be a transracial family, it would be Arlington.  The community in which we live is extremely diverse, made up of many different ethnic backgrounds.  As an added bonus, Arlington public schools rank among the top in the country.  For these reasons we really hope to stay in Arlington when we purchase our next home in the not too distant future.  Through the Arlington Mother’s Association I am apart of I was able to meet another mother who adopted her son from South Korea last year.  She has been an invaluable resource to me and has already invited me to a playgroup she hosts with other families in the community that have adopted children from South Korea in the last year.  How amazing is that?   

What About Domestic Adoption?

This post is to explain why we chose international adoption over domestic.  First, I would like to say I am in no way an expert in domestic adoption but I will do my best to explain what I have learned during our “researching” phase. 

Currently, the vast majority of adoptions that take place in the United States are considered “open adoptions,” meaning the adoptive family has some contact with the birth parents (ranging anywhere from a little to a lot of contact).  Research has shown over the last decade that there are many benefits to the adoptee when there is contact with the birth parents. Although Cody and I can understand why it may be meaningful for an adopted child to have such contact with their birth parents, to be honest, this is not something that appealed to us or something we feel comfortable with at this time.

Another factor that we considered a big disadvantage in domestic adoption is the unpredictability in terms of timing when we would get a child.  Now for some, especially first time parents, this would not be an issue at all.  But in our situation, timing is important because we already have a son and we would like to have some control in their age difference.  Timing is also important because we are going to need to purchase our next house before our daughter arrives.  The lack of control of timing in domestic adoptions is because most of the power lies with the birth mother.  Pregnant women (with the help of an agency) look through dozens and dozens of profiles of prospective parents and choose which adoptive family would be a good fit for her (perhaps you remember the last season of the show “Friends” where Monica and Chandler were waiting to get chosen by a birth mom).  This means, a birth mother may choose you in one month, in twelve months, or never.  Cody and I just can’t deal with this kind of uncertainty.  This differs from the international adoption process where the agency matches waiting families to children (think of it more as a waiting list and when you get to the top you get matched).  It also must be noted that it is not at all uncommon in domestic adoption to have a birth mother choose you and then reconsider the adoption later in the pregnancy or right after the birth of the child, which is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

 The most common type of domestic adoption is the process mentioned above where an agency (private or public) acts as an intermediary between the birth mother and adoptive families.  However, there are also two other types.  A “private/independent adoption” is where the prospective parents take a very active role in finding a birthmother, usually by advertising or networking (think of the movie “Juno” where the couple placed an ad in the magazine).  Then you just have to obtain an adoption attorney to take care of the legal aspects.  Lastly, there is “foster-to-adopt.”  This is where families take in infants/children that have typically been removed by the state due to neglect or abuse.  There is usually no guarantee that the first child that gets placed with you will be available for adoption, so it may take several placements before you are able to proceed with an adoption.  Cody and I have nothing but the utmost respect for foster families but know that it is not the right path for us at this time. 

The Great "Paper Chase"

We signed with an adoption agency in mid-December.  The first step in the adoption process is paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork.  They say it takes the typical couple two months to get through, I gave us an arbitrary deadline of four months because I did not want it to interfere with our time with Auden.  We started after the new year and I am happy to report we are just about done (and before our April deadline!). 

So what did the paperwork consist of?  Well, to start, a list of residences since you were 18 years old and background check forms in every state you lived in for the past five years...this may sound simple for some, but Cody and I have lived in over 10 places in the past decade including five states and one foreign country.  Oh, make that driving records too for three of the states.  Luckily, we had to do similar digging for the bar exam and when obtaining government positions so at least we had the residence information handy!  Onto the medical...the whole family had to get physicals (and caught up on vaccinations) including Auden.  The funny story to go along with this is that Cody's BMI was dangerously close to "overweight" and we had to fib a little on his height since Asian countries have strict BMI requirements.  Obviously Cody is nowhere close to really being overweight but BMI doesn't take muscle mass into consideration and Cody is deceptively heavy!  Onto the homework...we had to complete two online courses and answer 15 essay questions where they wanted a minimum of 7 pages (total).  This was probably the most time consuming.  Your answers aren't getting graded or anything like that but they want an accurate picture of your background, your life, family history, values, etc.  What about finances?  Oh yes, they want to make sure you can afford this child.  We had to create a monthly budget (which my financially savvy husband already keeps), lots of bank statement records, copies of tax returns, and employment verification letters. 

Aside from the above, there was fingerprinting, notorizations, and copies of important documents like birth/marriage certificates.  We also attended a mandatory pre-adoption class two weeks ago which was really informative and deserves a separate post that I will write in the near future.  After we make our own copies and put in the mail (hopefully next week), we get assigned a social worker from the agency and officially begin the home study process!  More about that soon:-)

Why South Korea?

The common misconception about international adoption is that you can just choose any country that sparks your interest.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Many times, the country picks you.  Meaning, there is such a long list of requirements/rules/standards for each country, you may not qualify for 50% of the countries with current "open" programs, heck, you may not even qualify for the majority of countries.  For example, some requirements/restrictions include: no parents over the age of 50, married for at least 3 years, income requirements, cannot be overweight, can have no more than two divorces per couple, level of education requirements and in many countries the use of certain medications (e.g. for anxiety or depression) can even bar you from being able to adopt. 

Now luckily Cody and I fit the above mentioned criteria for most countries, but there are travel requirements that very much guided our decision.  For example, Costa Rica, Columbia and Ecuador all require a 6-8 week stay in the country before being able to bring your child home and Russia requires two trips for a total of 5 weeks.  As you can imagine this is just not feasible for us since we have jobs and a son.

We also only looked at countries that had very well established programs...decades and decades of successful adoptions to the United States.  When investing so much emotionally and financially, this seemed to only make sense, why go with a "young" program that is so uncertain and set yourself up for a very bumpy road that may never lead you to your child?

China has a very long history of successful adoptions of baby girls in the United States, however, due to circumstances within the country, currently the wait time for healthy girls is in excess of 5 years...so long that most adoption agencies no long consider it a viable program and strictly deal with the Chinese "waiting children" who consist of older children or babies with minor to major medical needs.

So then there was South Korea.  This country appealed to us for many reasons.  It is a very large and stable program, our agency has over 40 years experience with the country and it is considered its flagship program.  Last year they placed 150 South Korean children in homes.  However, it is one of the most expensive programs, but for good reason.  Prior to placement, children are cared for in private homes by foster families as opposed to group homes or orphanages.  These foster mothers receive training, support and the best medical services to care for the children.  And because they are with foster families there is a lot less of a risk of developmental delays that come with the group homes.  Also, the South Korean program is very unique in that you are provided with a great deal of medical and family background information because typically unwed mothers spend the last months of their pregnancies in group homes before placing their babies up for adoption.  The program only requires that you go to Korea for four days and during that time you meet with the foster mother that has raised the baby for the first 16 months of their lives.  Last but not least, the South Korea program lets you choose a girl if you already have a son in the home.  However, there is a longer wait time for girls. 

Why not domestic you may be wondering?  I'll answer that in a future post:-)

Introduction

This blog is intended for family and friends to be able to follow us on our adoption journey, but most importantly, we think it will be a great record for our future children to have to understand the process that led us to them.  Cody and I have been interested in adoption long before we were ready to start a family.  We liked the idea of a diverse family and opening our home and hearts to a child that was in need of loving parents.  The decision came fairly easy after the difficult pregnancy and birth of our first son.  Since I have an increased chance of suffering from the same dangerous complications in future pregnancies (PPROM at 31 weeks and placenta accreta), it was not worth the risk and believe adoption is the perfect way to turn our family of three into four!