I've been dreading writing this post, because I'm not sure where to start, how to express the experience of being in her hometown, her orphanage, the craziness that was New Delhi, the first days/weeks home. All of it feels like one big crazy blur sometimes. The secret Facebook group I created for communicating our journey prior to and while I was India worked out really well since it's easier than people checking a blog and easier for me to post using my phone. However, that means I don't have the journey documented on this blog. In this ever-changing world of social media, you can't win, all of your "stuff" is going to be in different places. I will just include some excerpts of what I wrote while in India within this post.
We decided it was best for the boys, especially Grant, for Cody to stay home while I traveled with his sister to India. We will forever be grateful to Jody (and Tom) for having the flexibility and desire to accompany me on this once in a lifetime trip.
Dates:
June 11th - departure from VA
June 13th- arrived in Bangalore, drove 3 hours to Hassan, went to orphanage 2 hours after arrival
June 14th- went to orphanage twice, afternoon received custody of Leena.
June 15th- drove back to Bangalore to spend the night in preparation for morning flight to Delhi
June 16th- arrived in New Delhi after some plane delays
June 17th- Medical appt. for visa
June 18th- Tourist day- private tour of New Delhi and "Old" Delhi
June 19th- Picked up medical packet, "begged" US embassy to see us day early and got VISA!
June 20th- Went to FRRO for my exit permit application, "begged" them to see me day early
June 21st- Went back to FRRO to pick up exit permit and received it right before 6pm closing and made our 2am flight out of Delhi!
We made it back in time for Auden's last day of first grade on June 23rd which was a very pleasant surprise.
As for what I wrote when we arrived our first day in India:
"What a day. First let me say how welcoming and friendly everyone is here. We met so many people today and the common thread is hospitable, genuine and gracious. What beautiful people in this country. Our day started at 10am and we played with the kids at the orphanage for a few hours. Leena was suspicious of me upon arrival as expected. Luckily they didn't force her into my arms and I was able to play with the other kids and sometimes sneak some attention little by little toward her. She's a smarty and gave me the cold shoulder a few times but I was able to stroke her hair, get in some tickles that resulted in smiles even though she was trying her hardest not to. She, like every kid on earth, couldn't resist big smiles when I "threw" her up in the air. She even let me hold her hand when we were walking outside.
We then had some meetings that I was not aware of but didn't surprise me based on Cody's trip back in January. Two caretakers, Jody, Leena and I went to meet the "Child Welfare Committee" staff who was in charge of writing the report for the Judge. They were very nice, just wanted to put a face with the name. Next up, we went to see the director, the doctor who founded the elder home/orphanage. He is a very busy doctor in town and we all squeezed into a small exam room to meet. He thanked me for adopting Leena, we thanked him. Leena was so well behaved at these meetings and was definitely taught to answer questions from these respected men in the town. We went back to the orphanage to say our goodbyes for the day.
So everything went as well as could be expected, she showed appropriate level of concern that I was there but never cried and opened up a bit as hours went by.
But the whole story is that today was really hard emotionally. I've traveled quite a bit internationally but this was my first time in a 3rd world country. The poverty slaps you in the face with the fact that you won the jackpot being born in the United States, no matter what income class. It doesn't seem fair, even though I know life isn't suppose to be fair. The orphanage had barely any toys, the room they spend most of their day in is quite small and they are using thin cloths for diapers for the babies that barely hold anything (as we were definitely playing in urine). They are loving caregivers but they pale in comparison to what Grant experienced being raised in a foster family in a 1st world country. We need to teach Leena how to "play", how to have fun without competing against 8 other kids all the time, and show her what it is like to get more than just her basic needs met. We know it will be hard work, but we are looking forward to the journey of watching Leena's growth and transformation from an institution to our family."
It's so fascinating to read what I wrote two months ago to see how far Leena has come. She seemed so serious and quiet that first day that I met her but she was hiding this super silly girl inside that makes us laugh all day and hardly ever stops talking:) We learned quickly after custody she was fluent in her local dialect of Kannada. At first she wasn't too keen to learn our English words and preferred to teach us her Kannada words which was quite cute and funny. She went from sleeping on a cement floor with a thin woven rug to wanting to be in a king/queen bed very easily:) We were told she was a vegetarian that loved to eat but didn't like vegetables, haha. Well, she is a good eater that is up to trying most things and actually consistently loves meat the most! Thankfully, our "little" Leena seems to be growing well as she's gained 3 pounds since that medical appointment in New Delhi 2 months ago. From 23 to 26 pounds which now puts her on the weight chart, horray!
In the last week or two she's definitely had a language explosion. It's bittersweet to not hear her talking in Kannada anymore, even if it was to yell at me. I just realized she's not even saying the Kannada phrases for having to go pee and poop anymore which she held onto for a while since I knew what she meant. Her receptive language is amazing as she understands the majority of what we are saying and can even follow multi-step directions in English. She's giving Grant a run for his money as the "talker" in the family!
Leena is definitely "all girl"- as we realized she didn't stand a chance after watching female caregivers take care of babies for 3 years. She loves all her baby dolls, Barbie dolls, brushing my hair (any female's hair), cleaning, helping in the kitchen, etc. It gives you a little window into her prior life when she helps change a baby's diaper at a friend's house, spoon feeds a baby doll, or cries because you won't let her keep scrubbing the shower when cleaning. I guess since they didn't really have toys at the orphanage, helping with the babies and cleaning is how a lot of time was spent and what she takes pride in.
Which is why I like to see her be a "kid" and how fun it is to watch her experience things for the first time! Water, water, water! I don't know what else to say besides she is obsessed and has no fear. She is already diving into pools head first and holding her breathe. She dangerously loves water, as in-we need swim lessons ASAP. Seeing the beach for the first time, the sand and waves gave her such excitement. She was a little apprehensive with getting on the boat at the lake for the first time but soon decided she loved it as much as her brothers. Swings- she could swing all day if you let her and thankfully it passed a lot of time while waiting for her brothers during their swim team practice. A few days ago Leena had her first bounce house experience and the smile on her face was priceless. We are cherishing every first.
She has been such a trooper this summer. Sometimes I'm scared we pushed her a little too much because she seemed to be doing so well. But she went to the pool almost every day for the boys swim and dive practice, went to the meets, went to the lake once already, went on the big Hansen North Carolina family reunion trip, goes to parties, etc. She went from the most rigid scheduled out, never-changing, daily life to a life full of flexibility with every day being different because it's the summer. I'm so glad she's had this amazing bonding time with her brothers this summer but I'm nervous about how she doesn't realize life is about to turn pretty inflexible and routine when the boys start elementary school, and even worse when I have to go back to work and she starts preschool. Hopefully the routine will be good for her but I'm sure it will definitely take a little while getting used to after so much summer fun.
Unfortunately change does seem to effect her sleeping, which is very common in toddlers that have been thru trauma. We never truly experienced night terrors with Grant, his habit was more like "crying out" in his sleep which would cease when I touched him. Leena has been experiencing night terrors on a somewhat regular basis. Let me tell you, until you witness one, you truly can't imagine it. No matter how regular they are, they still break my heart every time. I wonder what is going on in that brain, that subconscious- it feels like a peak into a whole side of her that is hurting so bad that she doesn't show us during the day. The difference between nightmares and night terrors, is that you don't remember night terrors, so in the morning she wakes happy. Her night terrors usually last 20-30 minutes in total, which is quite long. They start suddenly with her screaming, her eyes open the majority of the time, many times she is screaming for "Mommy" but as is the case with night terrors, she doesn't want to be touched. I can't describe the feeling of your child screaming for you in terror, just to swat and hit your hand away. So, now we've learned to not engage and just make sure she stays safe during them. Her arms fails, her legs kick, she sits up and stomps the wood floor which makes you cringe thinking she's hurting her heels. She is filled with so much anger. And all we can do is watch. It reminds me of all that she's been through, how we just turned her life upside-down, how she was powerless in it all, how she isn't sure of what to expect tomorrow yet.
On a lighter note, Auden and Grant adore Leena. Simply love her. I'm surprised how quickly it happened. She charmed them shortly upon arrival with her silliness and now the biggest problem is competing for her attention and affection. Grant is having a harder time because he wants to smother her in love and it's too much for her many times. We are trying to teach him to let Leena come to him (like Auden does) and he will have much greater results. It's hard, he's only 5, and he's instantly the middle child and being upstaged by a cute little 3 year old. I've been spending a lot of energy and attention making sure Grant feels the love lately and knows how important he is to our family.
Leena adores Daddy but unfortunately it is still in more of a playmate way instead of a caretaker way. They have their great moments where he is allowed to feed her or she snuggles with him for a while but sometimes it's two steps forward and one step back. So, I'm a little short on "Mommy time" these days and have put her to bed every night since the day of custody. We are working on it, I know it's going to take time, but hopefully soon Daddy can put her to bed so I can go out to dinner with friends.
I can't believe summer is coming to an end with the boys going back to school in less than 2 weeks. It makes me tearful just thinking about it. This summer was just awesome in so many ways. Knowing it's my last maternity leave, the time has been so precious with all 3 of the kids. I'm so lucky to work part-time, but nothing will compare to this summer when they were all mine without the stress of work looming behind the office door I currently have closed in the house.
Leena in a nutshell right now:
- speaking in some phrases and doing "charades" when she's trying to tell you a story
- loves "stealing" what's important to people (their phones, boys' toys) and running away with them so you have to chase her
- very particular about the shoes she wears, just to take them off as soon as she gets in the car
- still hasn't worn socks yet and thinks they are funny in her drawer
- loves everything and anything chocolate (was actually sorta addicted to it from the elders always giving it to her everyday in India)
- obsessed with anything Doc McStuffins
- still calls me "Auntie" 50% of the time because it's a hard habit to break. She called all her caregivers "Auntie" all of her life. Sometimes I get "Auntie Mommy", haha.
- loves saying "home!!!" when we pull onto our street
- loves taking showers and scrubbing herself with soap and shampoo a million times
- she tans very easily no matter how much sunscreen I put on her to the dismay of the orphanage "mother" that I still send pictures to via WhatsApp.
- obsessed with any kind of lotion- body lotion or sunscreen- loves it all and I have to take it away from her or she'll reapply 10 times
- always says aloud when we are all together- "mommy, daddy, Auden, Grant, Leena- FAMILY!"
- does NOT nap nor require much sleep for her age. Her caretakers warned me but I didn't believe them. She does get pretty delirious and hysterical around dinner time though.
- She has a set of lungs and knows how to use them. Occasionally, when I least expect it, Leena will start screaming to try to get her way or what she wants. I've never had a screamer before, so this is quite new and tricky for me.
- She is so snuggly! She loves to be picked up and carried in the house and loves to snuggle while sleeping and in the morning.
I can't believe how much life can change in a year. We are still discovering the awesomeness that is Leena but we already know how lucky we are. It is surreal that we've been entrusted to be the parents to two such amazingly awesome kids that were not born to us. We are the privileged ones that got to make a choice. The vast majority of the time in international adoption, due to circumstance, the birth mother has no choice when placing a child. And it goes without saying the baby or toddler certainly has no say in what is about to happen to them. So here we are, the white privileged adopted parents that could afford the choice of adoption to grow their family. We don't take this privilege for granted. We are blessed indeed. We love you Leena.
