A Letter Regarding Grant's Homecoming
Dear Family & Friends,
Thank you for all your support for the past 3.5 years. Never did we think it would take this long and be such a rollercoaster ride, but there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. We couldn't have gotten through it without all of you. We know so many of you are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little Grant and can't wait to see and meet him. And we can't wait for these moments too. However, bringing home an adopted toddler from a foreign country is a lot different than bringing a baby home from the hospital. We've had years of reading books and articles, attending agency classes about toddler adoption and have friends that just have gone through it. But now we need to give the people who are going to be surrounding and loving Grant a little crash course in preparation of him coming home. We need you to be on the same page and understand some "rules" that are going to have to be in place for when Grant arrives. I know some of them may be hard on you (and us), but we know you want the best for him and are confident that after reading this you will understand.
First, please try to put yourself in Grant's shoes. I know all of you either have or know a child around the age of 2 or can remember your child/grandchild around the age of 2. Cody and I made a conscious effort when Auden turned 2 years old to imagine him being taken from us by another family and taken to the other side of the world. It brought tears to our eyes even thinking about it, but we had to, to understand what Grant is going to go through. We thought of how scared Auden would be, how everything would be different-smells, language, environment, everything. How was he to know these new people were supposed to be his parents now? How would his personality change those first few months- he would likely go from an easy-going loving child to one that is afraid, upset, and grieving the loss of us. It is true that Grant's foster family has been showing Grant all our pictures and videos we've been sending, probably calling us Mommy & Daddy, and trying their best to prepare him. But after all, he just turned 2 yrs. old and right now we are only strange people in photographs and videos to him. He does not understand that his foster family is not his forever family.
Grieving
As happy and joyous a day it will be for us to finally have Grant in our arms, that day will be one of the worst of Grant's life so far. He will be losing everything he knows and will be scared. He's already experienced the loss of his birth mother, spent the first 2.5 months of his life in an agency orphanage and now he will be losing his foster family who he's been with for as long as he can remember. The first days of grieving the loss of his foster parents are going to be the worst and then week by week it will get better. But it is not linear, he may have times where he regresses and times when he leaps forward. Sometimes adopted toddlers will seem happy and content during the day, but a too chaotic day/change in routine could trigger grieving at night. This can be especially confusing for family and friends as the child will seem happy and well adjusted, when they are not in reality. In fact, nighttime is the most common time for grief, so we could be sleeping about as much as you would with an infant for the first few months. Although watching him grieve will be difficult, it is actually a healthy sign that he had a good bond/attachment with his foster parents which means he is capable and will have a good bond with us soon too. While children coming from orphanages usually don't have a grieving period because they never had a primary caregiver to attach to. They typically learn to compete for the attention of any adult to have their needs met and therefore are more prone to attachment disorders in the long run. So despite how hard the grieving period will be we know that, in time, he will be a confident, loving, secure little boy who adores his family. But the length of time it takes to get to this place, and the journey along the way, varies greatly from child to child.
As we get to know Grant's personality, we will likely make adjustments based on his progress. But based on everything we have read and learned, what you do the first days, weeks and months of an adopted toddler's life are of the utmost importance. You can't get this time back. It lays the groundwork for a well adjusted child that has a healthy bond with his parents and family. So we ask that you respect the wishes and rules that we set...and we know that you will because we know you want the best for him and our family. The process of learning to trust that we are the two adults in his world who will always be there to care for him is called attachment. Building this trust is hard and typically takes a lot of time and a lot of work.
Keeping his "world" small
What first is recommended is it that when you get home you enter a "cocooning" phase for a few weeks. During this time, visitors that come into the home will be very limited and we will make efforts to keep Grant's world very small. This is time to let him get used to us, the house and his new surroundings. Luckily, if we have two weeks of custody in Korea, this will help tremendously with him bonding to us and understanding we are his parents and Auden is his brother now. However, once he gets home it will be another transition for him where everything is different. We need to continue to enforce that we are his primary caregivers, that we are not going to leave him, and that his world is safe and stable. Of course, since it is the summer months, we don't plan on keeping him cooped up inside. I'm sure he will want to play in the cul-de-sac and in the backyard on the swing set with his big brother. A note to our amazing neighbors that we are close with- by no means do your kids have to avoid Grant when you see us outside, other kids playing with him is perfectly fine! But please ask the big girls to refrain from picking him up and giving him hugs for the first few months, (thank you!). It will likely be okay to accept visitors the first days/weeks we are home if Grant is outside and playing, we just don't want to create a revolving door of new people coming in and out of our house so he can understand who lives and belongs there.
Physical Boundaries & Care-taking
For the first few months home, we ask that we be the only ones to pick him up, hold him, hug and kiss him, change his diaper, feed him, bath him and put him to sleep. Basically, we need to be the ones to meet all of his needs so he understands we are his parents now. There will be some special exceptions for the grandparents based on Grant's progress of course. High fives should be okay if he is interested in them. If he comes to you asking to be picked up or for food, we ask that you direct him back to us. Our social worker advised that this is the best way for him to learn that we are his Mom and Dad. It is not uncommon for toddlers who have recently come home to do what it called "Mommy & Daddy shopping." We do not want Grant to indiscriminately and happily go to any adult, which can happen when you don't form the proper bond/attachment in the beginning (this will have bad long-term effects). By turning him back to us you will help to reassure him that we will be there to provide for his needs. As he learns to trust us and depend on us, he will be ready to open his circle of trust and love to incorporate his amazing extended family and family friends. We promise there will be tons of hugs and kisses to be shared with all of you in the future!
Different Parenting Techniques for Adopted Toddlers
We may also be using some parenting strategies that seem "strange" compared to how we are raising Auden or traditional American parenting techniques, as recommended by our agency and the "experts." It's very common for children to regress emotionally and need their needs met like a child who is much younger. Older children may have emotional and physical needs like an infant when they come home and meeting those needs will help speed his attachment to us. So, if Grant is still taking a bottle at bedtime (which is not uncommon in Korea at his age), we will continue it for a while because it is great for eye contact and bonding. We will be co-sleeping with Grant when he comes home, Cody and I will probably alternate nights sleeping with Grant in his room so he learns to be comforted by both of us while we aren't neglecting Auden at the same time. Grant likely sleeps with his foster mom every night, which is the traditional arrangement in Korea so it's important we continue with that the first months home. After that, we will go to him whenever he cries in the night so he learns that we will take care of his needs (no cry-it-out method). We will give him food whenever he asks for it, even if it's every 30 mins, which is very common the first weeks home (it is a grieving/coping mechanism). This will also teach him that we will always provide for him. Another area that will be very different than how we treat Auden is with discipline. Time-outs are very effective in our house for Auden but are not recommended for adopted toddlers. Instead we will be doing "time-ins" where we will sit quietly by his side so he knows we will never leave him if he is "bad." Additionally, traditionally Korean babies and toddlers are very "spoiled" until they go to grade school. Our agency tells us they likely have never heard the word "no" before and therefore we need to use it sparingly the first months home and focus on redirecting techniques instead. I know this all sounds overwhelming (and to us as well), but creating a healthy bond and attachment to us is the most important thing and by following these rules and techniques, we are ensuring that Grant becomes a happy and well-adjusted child in our family. Laying the proper groundwork when we get home will help him have better relationships with us and eventually all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you ahead of time for respecting our guidelines for when Grant comes home. We are so blessed to have so many people who love him already and want him to thrive. We appreciate your continued support and patience over the next few months.
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